A day full of emotion

I'm an emotional person to begin with, but after having kids - and now going through the adoption process ... well, let's just say, I can cry at the drop of a hat these days. So...........

........this morning the boys were playing in the family room. L came over to me, and then N came behind him, wrapped his arms around him, and said "I love you -- you're my best friend"

Oh my gosh - the smile on my face was huge, my heart swelled, and the tears started flowing.

N and L then asked if they could go in their play room and play. Of course I told them that they could - they played so well together for an hour. I could not believe it! During this time we received an email from our social worker. The subject line read "update photo!"

My heart skipped a few beats. I looked at G and said "we got an updated photo!!!!!" ... he said "Open it -- open it" ... I didn't know if I could. I was so nervous! A bunch of thoughts raced through my mind. How much has she grown, how much as she changed etc... I've talked to many people not going through the adoption process, and I told them of my hesitation about receiving an updated photo of little Miss M. None of them understood, and could not believe that I didn't know if I wanted to see an updated picture. I will tell you this -- this process is MUCH harder and emotionally draining than I ever imagined possible. We have two pictures of M. Those images are in my brain - and will be forever. That is how I picture her. Realistically I know that she is growing - she's changing, but in my heart I want her to stay that tiny baby until I go and get her. Does that make any sense?

After a few minutes, I decided to open the picture. I could not believe how tall she is. I compared her 5 month picture to this new 7 month picture, and she has grown by leaps and bounds. I sat there and looked at her, and noticed that she looks a bit sad. Maybe she doesn't look sad to anyone else - maybe it's my imagination, because I'm sad that she's not home ... but it broke my heart, and made me want to reach through the screen and cuddle her and let her know how much I love her.

I had to walk away and go sit in another room so that I could have a pity party for myself.

I showed the picture to the boys, and they were so excited! N could not believe how big she has gotten. He asked me if she can talk, and if she can climb on things. He then said "I will teach her how to walk, talk and climb ... oh, and dig dirt!" LOL! L wanted to look at her picture all afternoon. Precious!

Side note -- this weather. My goodness. I am sick of winter, and it's only the first week of December. This bitter cold weather is depressing. December is NOT supposed to be this cold. Bah!