Memories

I decided to watch our videos from Korea this afternoon. Wow did they stir up a lot of emotion. The day that we got M, and took her from her foster mother was one of the most emotional days of my life. Just thinking about it makes me cry.

I was also thinking back to the nursery at our agency in Korea. There is a family over there right now, who said that there are 61 babies on the nursery right now. That absolutely breaks my heart. Going to the nursery to rock and feed the babies was one of the things that I looked the most forward to when we decided to travel. However, once I got to the agency (our guest room was located right outside the nursery) things changed. G really wanted to go in and feed the babies, so I went in. I walked in with butterflies in my tummy. I looked around -- there were babies EVERYWHERE. I stood there and had visions of my daughter sleeping in one of the "beds" ... I lost it. Completely lost it. I was sobbing and could not stop. I had to leave. The poor nurses didn't know what was wrong with me. I walked back to the room and thought I was going to get sick to my stomach. I was so sad. Don't get me wrong - these babies are VERY loved and well cared for by the nurses. It is EXTREMELY clean, and they are only there for a short time before they go to live with their foster mother's.

I woke up several different times to the screams of babies. Again, it broke my heart. As a Mother, it took everything I had not to get out of bed and and go running to the child/ren so that I could comfort them. We ate lunch at the agency one day, and there were a dozen or so pregnant birth mother's there. That was quite uncomfortable. They looked at us with such a sad looks on their faces. I'm sure they have so many thoughts going through their head. Who will be my child's parents? Will they love my baby? Where will my baby live? Am I doing the right thing?

I think about M's birthmom constantly. Those of you that are Mom's -- can you even imagine what it would be like to constantly wonder how your child is doing? Where they are living? Do they have a good life? Does their adoptive family love them? Are they healthy? What do they look like? Does he/she look like me?

Just typing that out makes me cry. I wish I could get on the phone and call her birthmom and tell her just how precious our (hers and ours) daughter is. How incredibly beautiful she is. How funny and full of life she is. How much she loves her brother's ... and her puppy! ;-) I would tell her how much we love and adore M, and thank her for blessing us with a beautiful baby girl.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again ... adoption is such an incredible journey. Things aren't always perfect (I just posted last week about attachment issues) but I can't even tell you how full our lives are. We are lucky!