We're #1

According to our agency, we are now at the top of the list for a referral. WOO HOO! I should be feeling excited and full of anticipation, but I'm not. Well, I am, but it's overshadowed by the fact that my agency likes to remind me that we have a restrictive medical checklist, so they think we'll be sitting at the top for awhile. The other thing bogging me down -- travel vs escort. We want nothing more than to travel, but we're not sure if it is going to be possible. It is tearing us up, and I never knew how much guilt I would feel over a decision in my life. It's so hard, and unless you have been put in this position, you probably don't understand the extent of it. It's hard - it tears at your heart.

I found myself crying off and on a lot today. Being at the top is hard. I didn't realize I would feel so much emotion. Knowing that it could happen any day is nuts. I feel happy, scared, excited, nervous ... and I jump every time the phone rings. (for multiple reasons -- house & adoption) When we were #13, #9, #5 etc... I didn't feel the way that I do now. Now I know for a fact that she is alive and living with her foster family ... she doesn't even know that we exist. Here I sit (crying again! aaahhh!) thinking about her, day dreaming about her, wondering if she's happy or sad.

This is hard. I want my little girl more than I can put into words.

One of my friends was wondering if our reaction to seeing her face for the first time will be like when we saw N & L's faces for the first time. For me, I have a feeling that it is going to be different. I think I will be way more emotional when I see her face for the first time. I had two very long and hard labors, and while it was emotional to see my babies, I was so relieved that labor was over.

(Especially with N, we never thought we were going to be able to have biological children, so after he was born I went through a period of time where I felt like I was living a dream. It was all so surreal, and didn't feel real. The pain of recovery was very real (LOL!) but everything else was so surreal.)

I was still in so much pain, and was so exhausted, so I wasn't really all there. LOL! I think seeing her picture for the first time will be surreal, but actually seeing her and holding her for the first time ... oh Lord, help me! I bawl just thinking about it. I am going to be a mess!!!

Come on Korea, send my agency my referral. We need our baby girl NOW!!!!!!!!! Mr. Social Worker -- give me a call next week -- I need some good news!!!!!

We're off for the weekend. Take care everyone! :-)